Lola Rolls
Advice on Life from a Former Sideshow Fat Lady

Is It Time

Posted By on Monday, February 17th, 2020

Dear Lola,

I’m 31 and would like to get married and have children in the next few years. My boyfriend says he supports that goal, but I don’t see us moving closer to it. He is also on the fence about wanting children. He used to be dead set against it, but changed his mind and said he was open to the idea when I told him that was a deal breaker for me.

Our talks about the future don’t generally go very well. When I try to pin down timelines and make plans, he gets annoyed and says I’m pressuring him. But if I talk about breaking up or even spending time apart, then we both start crying, and he tells me he loves me and that everything will work out fine. Then, we’re back to where we started until the next time I try to talk to him about the future.

I love his man with all my heart, and I’ve got a lot of time invested in this relationship. What if I never find anything half as good?

Please help!

Is It Time?

 

Dear Is It Time,

Yes, it’s time for you to leave this relationship. You’ve grown up and matured over the last four years to become a self-supporting adult. Good for you. Now you want to move on to the next stages of your life, namely marriage and children. Those seem like perfectly reasonable goals to me. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, seems very content to have you as a perpetual girlfriend and, by your account, appears to be making no movement toward improved self-sufficiency or showing any interest in changing his life to take on new responsibilities. This doesn’t make him a bad person, but he does seem like a poor match for you.

From my outsider perspective, it’s clear that your boyfriend has no real inclination or intention of living with you, marrying you, or having children with you. He loves you though and doesn’t want to lose you, so he makes small concessions like being open to the idea of having children, which, when you get right down to it, doesn’t do much toward getting you what you want.

You say that you’re worried about never finding something half as good, but the scenario you describe in your letter actually sounds pretty dreadful and exhausting for both partners. How valuable is it really is to be with someone who, either consciously or subconsciously, holds you back from what you want?

My advice would be to keep whatever good memories you have from this relationship, and admit to yourself that you’ve outgrown it.

Good luck!

–Lola

   
Barbara Boehm Miller
Fiction Writer and Creator of the Character, Lola Rolls

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