Lola Rolls
Advice on Life from a Former Sideshow Fat Lady

Plus-sized Dating

Posted By on Friday, October 4th, 2019

Dear Lola,
A few months ago, one of my friend’s girlfriends, let’s call her Sally, asked if I would be interested in going on a blind date with someone she knew. Since Sally is very good looking and a general catch, I figured her friend would be too. And the blind date, let’s call her Annie, was very smart and funny, just like Sally said, and even sort of attractive in her own way. However, Sally forgot to mention that Annie is significantly overweight. Annie and I have actually been out a few times because we’ve double dated with Sally and my friend. We’ve also gone together to a couple of movies and events that we were both really interested in. Annie and I are at the point now where I need to tell her that I don’t see us being together as a couple. My question is: what is the best way to go about it? Do I tell her that I’m just not attracted to her because of her weight? I believe in being honest, but would she appreciate hearing the truth?
–To Tell the Truth

 

Dear To Tell the Truth,

Well, that’s good news that you believe in being honest. To answer your question about whether Annie would appreciate hearing the truth, I suppose that depends on which truth you plan on telling her. Are you going to explain how your limited mental and emotional capacities prevent you from having romantic or sexual feelings for anyone who is not in strict compliance with physical beauty standards not of your own making? You might argue in response that you can’t help it that you’re not attracted to Annie, or maybe that desire is some autonomous beast that cannot be directed or cajoled. For that to be true though, we would have to accept as a complete coincidence how completely your predilections dovetail with societal expectations.
To be clear, I’m not advocating that you continue this relationship. Forcing yourself to date someone when you have no interest in doing so wouldn’t benefit you any more than it would be good for Annie to be with someone who feels he is doing her a favor by loving her. While I encourage you in the long run to examine your biases and contemplate the myriad forms of beauty, in the meanwhile, I advise you to end things with this smart, funny, attractive woman. Tell her simply that you’re not a good fit for each other. That’s also the truth.

   
Barbara Boehm Miller
Fiction Writer and Creator of the Character, Lola Rolls

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