Lola Rolls
Advice on Life from a Former Sideshow Fat Lady

When You Can’t Remember What You Did Wrong

Posted By on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Dear Lola,

Like everybody else, I haven’t been able to socialize as I usually would with my friends. Last week, it occurred to me that I hadn’t had a one-on-one chat with a particular friend in what seemed like a long time. We would see each other during group happy hours over Zoom and were on a couple of group text chains together.

So I reached out via text to catch up — only to have this friend tell me that they had actually been avoiding me and didn’t want to talk to me any more.

I was completely floored by that, as I had no idea why they would say such a thing. When I pressed, the friend told me it was because of what I had said and done to them at a party pre-Covid, which happened way back in February.

My memory of that party is pretty hazy because of all the alcohol I consumed. The truth of the matter is that I had no idea what my friend was even talking about. They didn’t really believe me, and refused to tell me what I had said and done.

A part of me wants to apologize, but how can I do that if I don’t even know what I did wrong? Another part of me is angry at my friend because they won’t just talk to me and help me understand what even happened.

Is it worth to reach out to this friend again?

–When the Party’s Over

 

Dear Party’s Over,

Let’s set aside the discussion about the conflict with your friend for the moment. The bigger problem here is your black-out drinking.  I don’t know how often you drink or drink to that level, but here is at least one instance where your alcohol consumption has had a negative impact on your life. And that, my friend, is one too many.

You need to be a more moderate drinker, and, if that is not achievable, then you should give it up all together.

Your friend doesn’t want to talk to you, at least not right now, so leave them alone. If this was a party, there must have been other people there. Maybe one of them can tell you what happened. Then you can know not only how you behaved, but who you are when you choose to imbibe to that degree. That is important information to have.

After a good period of self examination and if, and only if, you can accept that your friend may not respond and is under no obligation to interact with or absolve you, then you can write a sincere apology to your friend. Don’t minimize the situation. Don’t blame alcohol. Don’t ask for explanations. Don’t offer excuses. Don’t pretend like it wasn’t the real you.

Your behavior may have cost you a friend, who, truth be told, sounds more like an acquaintance since it did, after all, take you six months to even realize that this person wasn’t speaking to you. I don’t say that to make light of the situation, but to drive home the point that your excessive drinking could have more serious consequences if you don’t change your behavior.

Good luck!

–Lola

 

   
Barbara Boehm Miller
Fiction Writer and Creator of the Character, Lola Rolls

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *